Being “Shy”

If you asked many of my close friends and family, they would say that I am the opposite of quiet. Though if you saw me in a room filled with acquaintances I would definitely be the girl in the corner with her face in her phone, dreading eye contact with anyone around her.

Everyone is shy around new people right? Though that may be true, it is very prominent in my life. Contrary to popular belief, I am one of the shiest people on planet earth. Somewhere in the middle where my anxiety meets my introversion, I have realized that making new friends is really hard for me.

Why? Because I fear judgement more than I fear many other thing in life. I know many others share this feeling, the possibility of disappointing others overshadows your ability to love and express who you are. I do not want to disappoint everyone’s high expectations of people by saying the wrong thing, imagining myself with an irremovable dunce cone atop my head everywhere I go.

But when I get to know someone, my personality comes out in little ways.

A sarcastic comment here or there, a really obnoxious laugh or a ridiculous reenactment of others’ actions. Honestly deep down I am a totally horrible person but my friends laugh and somehow some people find me funny so i’ll take it. But it takes awhile for this side of Missy to emerge so I deal with your basic shy questions every single day.

“why are you so quiet?”

“She’s just shy, it’s okay.”

Yes, it is okay that I seem shy because shy is find but i’m honestly not shy at all. You either intimidate me or you just haven’t gotten to know me on a personal level yet. I am a great people person, I love to talk and I love to make people laugh but just because I don’t do all of that all the time during the first weeks you know me doesn’t mean that that side of me doesn’t exist.

I don’t know many people who can just jump into situations and become friends with everyone and become comfortable in their surroundings right away. If you can, that’s great but I don’t believe that being a little timid when dealing with change is as uncommon as people make it out to be.

I want to end this post by clearing up a few things.

  1. I do not hate you. I am quiet because I don’t know you quite well yet and let’s be honest my humor is for an acquired taste so I want to make sure that I don’t offend someone or embarrass myself more than I already do.
  2. I am shy….around new people but in all I would not classify myself as shy in general. It is easy for me to work in customer service and I love talking to new people once I feel comfortable. Shy at first? Maybe but just give me awhile and you’d wish I could claim that title.
  3. I am very passionate about many social justice issues but I often don’t speak up in conversations about them. It is something i’m working on because I still care to much about other people’s opinions of me so they continue to cloud over my own viewpoint. Don’t assume I don’t care because I don’t speak outwardly or continuously.
  4. Following up on my last point, other people’s ideas of me really mess me up. I’m continuously learning to care less about others’ opinions of me and love myself for who I am but like all things, self love takes time. If I don’t talk to you right away its because I am beyond nervous of how you’ll take this feminist, social justice fighting, sarcastic person that I am. I promise i’m trying, so hard….but please give me time.
  5. I do lean more on the introverted side so please don’t be offended if I deny your requests to go out or to be in areas that I feel uncomfortable in. I love people but I also like my space, tranquility and quiet and I will probably never become a party person but if you’d like to get food, go out to parks or to concerts…i’m your girl.

I guess what i’m trying to say throughout this huge rant is that yes, I come off as shy and yes, I am insecure in the person that I am. I’m working on both of these problems everyday. I don’t want to offend people and I love making friends, it makes me nervous when people dislike me or I upset them. For this reason, I yellow-light my personality in order to feel out the new situation.

Many people said that I seem like one person and once they get to know me they are surprised that i’m completely different. Though I may seem like a sarcastic and ridiculous human being, just know that means that I trust you with me….all of me.

Missy ♥

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I’m definitely not an expert.

People sometimes joke or ask me often about starting a genre specific blog, possibly a style or beauty blog and some ask me to help them choose makeup products, facial products and even sometimes as me to do their makeup (which goes horribly, I could never be a cosmetologist). Props to you ladies who have the patience and passion to help others feel beautiful, you are wonderful and SO TALENTED WOW give me some of that ability please.

The story goes as follows, this blog has no pattern, no set dates for posting and no set topics to cover. This was done for a reason, I dabble in a lot of areas but the only thing that I believe I do well is writing. Writing is my constant and I use that platform to express my experiences and what I think works well for me.

This by all means does not mean that i’m a fashion expert, I just know what I like and I run with it…that is the reason that my fashion taste remains nameless. Makeup, I know almost absolutely nothing about… i’m new to this game but I love it so much. I love toying with new face and makeup products daily and going through incredible experiences with trial runs like the Influenster box (https://www.influenster.com/).

But this is the same reason that I should never be in charge of anyone else’s makeup choices, because I believe your inner and outer beauty is purely your choice. Of course i’ll go shopping with you and tell you when I love or hate things, as friends do but I promise you that it is you yourself who knows what you want. I could throw clothing items and makeup brands your way all day but I promise you I haven’t a clue what i’m doing.

I love clothing, I love expressing myself through what I wear and I love toying with makeup and skin care products but i’m just that….a tester of sorts. I love trying things on for size, going into trends and products without testing them or digging into the research side of these topics.

Who knows, a couple of years from now I may begin to do that but for now…i’m just me, the same girl who was convinced that she’d look great with finger-less neon pink gloves and cheap lower pencil liner (don’t do it, it hurts so bad) in middle school except i’ve traded in those gloves and pencils for gel liner and skater skirts but I promise you…i’m still a follower, still a tester and nowhere near an expert.

Love you,

Missy ♥

Being Selfish.

For the past few weeks…..maybe months, i’ve been selfish.

This is not me screaming for validation, begging for someone to tell be that i’m wrong and that i’m a fantastic person. No, this is me simply stating a fact…i’ve been selfish lately.

I don’t know what sparked it but it could have been some sort of mixture of all of the great opportunities that i’ve had handed to me in the last year and the increasing urge to want to one up myself…add on to these accomplishments to make myself continue to feel this good.

I’ll be sitting around talking to my friends and i’ll start rambling on about my issues, what is bugging me and how horrible blah blah blah boo hoo and about ten minutes later i’ll think about what I said and stare at myself in utter confusion.

“Why would I say that?”

 

“That wasn’t even important right now.”

“Did I even ask them how they are doing?”

“Why do I keep interrupting them?”

I’ve come to admit that i’m at war with myself almost everyday. With accomplishments under my belt, compliments paid to me and the media telling me that it is okay to be selfish, to love yourself, to flaunt what you have…I have taken self love to the extreme.

I was watching a youtube video tonight that sparked my thoughts and inspired this post, i’ll link it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on41PCz6_h0. It’s a video by a youtuber my age named HelloKaty and she was talking about…feeling ugly while trying to be happy.

How does this have anything to do with what i’m talking about? Because throughout the video Katy explains that she struggled with trying to mold herself into an “aesthetic” something that people my age do tend to obsess over. While trying to make yourself look beautiful and successful and making it seem like your living your life to the fullest, Katy explains that you sometimes forget about actually being a beautiful person on the inside.

And I believe that is where I sit right now.

I’m not saying that I shouldn’t be happy when i’m talking to a nice boy or when i’m given fantastic opportunities or when people say nice things about me….i’m saying that it doesn’t need to be my only focus. I agree, we do need to be selfish sometimes and think of ourselves first in order to achieve amazing things but we need to remember about the other people in our lives as well.

Don’t continuously throw your “wonderful” life in people’s faces, don’t act like your life holds priority over anyone else’s. Listen to others, continue to do nice things for others. Don’t force yourself to have to do one amazing thing over then next just to be able to post it to social media.

Because when you become enamored with your accomplishments and you focus purely on what would benefit you….you lose the interest of everyone around you. No one wants to be around a person who constantly shoves how wonderful their lives are, how many boys they are talking to or how many people have complimented them that day. If these things come up in conversation, let your thoughts take flight, but don’t let them drive the conversation into a crash landing.

Enjoy the fantastic opportunities that you are given, gloat about them for awhile but don’t let them take control of your life. Don’t make yourself into a person that you don’t recognize to feel happy, to feel successful or beautiful. Continue to live your life and ask others about their lives because it isn’t all about you.

You are a person, just like anyone else and don’t forget that.

Stay grounded,

Missy ♥

 

Inside the anxious mind.

Since my anxious tendencies yet again have me up early, I thought I would take the time to write out what goes through my mind during these low points.

First of all, none of my thoughts are cohesive. So if I try to talk to you about my problems they will all come out like word vomit with no connections between thoughts. All my problems will spill out in no particular order.

Second, I won’t understand any form of rational thoughts. I won’t understand in this moment that things will get done or that I will be able to do everything that I want to do or that i’m capable of doing it. At this breaking point, all seems lost and I lose all faith in myself.

Third, I will cry….often. I’m full of emotions in the first place but when you add the pressure of school and the idea of a grade on the line, i go into full hysterics. Don’t be surprised if you can not understand a word i’m saying between sobs.

Fourth, I will get over it eventually. Talking to a rational person helps me out immensely at this point. They put rational thoughts back into my head and as I let them sink in, I am pulled back to reality. After awhile I realize how ridiculous I acted and feel ashamed but I also move forward.

I’m not sure how many other people who deal with anxious tendencies will deal with the same things but I know this is how I think and deal with situations. Just know that I need someone to talk to, someone to listen to what I have to say and remind me to breathe and rationalize my situation.

 

Let’s talk about stress baby, let’s talk about you and me.

Hi Blog.

It’s funny, this is the first entry where i’ve ever addressed you. How are you? How are the wife and kids?

Anyway, it is getting down to the wire this semester and that means that you should get your tickets to the Missy Meltdown show, airing about every 20 minutes wherever she may be. Even better, with the offer of a shoulder to cry on, she’ll come to you, no questions asked.

It’s funny that at the beginning of the semester I had the routine and I was able to pretty steadily manage my time and my homework and my personal life like a juggling act. Though like every other act in the circus, the more that I went through the motions the more used to it I became. So when my routine was scrambled due to projects on top of regular homework…I panicked.

There aren’t enough hours i the day to accomplish everything that I want to and it is quite frustrating. I know that I will get it all done and it will be fine, my brain tries to tell me otherwise.

Aside from the frequent panic attacks and the stacks of library books I carry with me everyday, I am in a good place. Most of my projects are started and will be finished within the next week. One of my best friends is coming into town and we have so many women empowerment events for this month.

Life is full of ups and downs and finals can be overwhelming and overbearing but what I have come to find out is that everyone is in the same boat. I’m not the only one who has had to take finals and I won’t be the last.

I’m in college for the exprience of working hard because life is going to always be hard. I’m preparing for the rest of my life, what i’m passionate about and who I want to be. So the next three weeks may be torture but I know that I have a shoulder to cry on and a friend to vent to every step of the way.

And you blog, because talking about my problems seems to ease my mind….so thank you.

Stay strong fellow college kids,

– Missy

She felt normal.

As her eyelids opened, she lifts her body to a sitting position.

She raises her arms to the ceiling and eases out of bed

Her feet bounce atop the carpet on her way to the bathroom.

The florescent lights spotlight her figure that appears in that reflection.

Her eyes gaze at the floor tiles and she takes a breath.

She touches her face with caution, then she lets her hands trail further.

Her hands cross in front of her chest as she touches her forearms, her hands meet in the middle.

They touch briefly before wrapping around her own waist.

She rubs her stomach in random motion, her hands colliding but continuing to race around with no finish line.

She takes another deep breath and closes her eyes.

Her fingers gravitate toward her thighs, tracing small circles toward the center until she quickly grabs at the skin and her breath stabs her throat.

She lets go and bends at the knees.

She feels her hands travel down to her feet.

At the floor she takes three more deep breaths.

She rises to the mirror once more and opens her eyes.

She looks at herself and a wide smile appears across her face.

Reaching out she touches the cold mirror, staring into her own eyes.

“It’s me.” she whispers, her hand sliding to the frame at the bottom of the mirror.

“I love it.”

 

I get by with a little help from my friends

This is a call out post. 

This one is for the friends that have been there for me. Always. No matter the time or the day or the insignificance of my “dire” situation. The ones who allow me to coat their shirts with tears and hug me until I feel better. The friends who understand that sometimes I just need someone to listen and they do….for an obscene amount of time. My friends….some of the best people on earth.

From a young age I was annoyingly friendly.

If you would listen to me talk, you were automatically my friend. No one was safe from this game, as I ran around the playground looking for my next victim to play tag with me and push me on the swing.

I blame my mother for this quality, she could talk to a rock and the object would magically become so impressed by her way with small talk, it would spring alive and tell her its deepest secrets in twenty minutes. We’d always spend way too long in public because my mother had lived in our town her whole life and knew EVERYONE. Someone she went to college with, someone from our church and someone she worked with twenty odd years ago for three weeks would make their way toward us by the end of a 30 minute shopping trip.

My mother always encouraged me to ask kids to play and make new friends constantly, as if for the fear that one child may go friendless. I obliged quite easily, due to the fact that I had a short attention span and the t.v. could only keep me entertained for so long. Having someone to make up new games with, ride bikes with (only down my block and back so that my mom was in ear-shot) or someone who enjoyed singing horribly to spice girls with me won my heart.

This characteristic went with me throughout school. I had many friends from different friend groups around the school. This meant that when all my friends came together, hell broke loose because not everyone meshed quite well. I didn’t mind, I watched and wondered why it seemed so easy for me to care about all of these abstract, different people who couldn’t even stand each other.Because of this, many people have told me not to have so many close friends because you can’t possibly have lasting friendships with all of them and/or you can’t give everyone your undivided attention.

I agree, it is hard to give everyone the same amount of attention but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be friends with them. Not everyone needs to be your best friend, but someone who can occasionally go out for coffee or catch up about life with isn’t too shabby either.

I feel like keeping connections with so many different people has made me more well rounded. I’ve been exposed to many different nationalities, cultures, sexualities,  traditions and mental/physical illnesses. From all of my friends, I’ve learned different things about the world around me. Honestly it’s made me adapt to the world around me so much easier.

I’ve become almost without judgement when it comes to differences because in each difference, lies a human being. This soul is more than its shell. This person is more than gay, more than catholic, more than black or white or indian or hispanic. This person is a beautiful, living, friend.

Friends that have helped me through the worst and best times in my life. Whether it is my best friend since kindergarten or the girl in my lecture that became a close friend for a semester….they have all impacted my life and who I am. I like the idea that we are a combination of everyone we have met because that means that I am this amazingly developed, socially aware and diverse human being. I’ve met amazing people and learned so much from them by just bulking up the courage to say hi.

So to my friends, I love you and never change. For the way that we are different brings us together and makes us whole. We grow and learn from one another….so thank you so much for letting me learn who you are, I hope from me….you may have learned something too.

— Missy ♥