Feelings and junk.

The strangest feeling i think I’ve encountered in my short time on the planet is a genuine connection. What do I mean by this vague and annoyingly romantic idea? I mean the feeling when you speak to someone and you study them. This isn’t as creepy as it sounds….at least I hope not. When you talk to someone, sometimes it’s tossed aside as small talk and becomes irrelevant and you couldn’t pull facts out of the back of your mind the next day about this interaction. In contrast, the kind of conversation i’m speaking of is when you speak to someone and you feel the need to ooze into every detail. You study the way they speak, the way that they use their hands too often or that slight inflection at the end of their sentences. You become captured in the moment, as if your mind is recording it for your thoughts later. Your eyes are unable to pan away, worried of missing the slightest scrunch of a nose or soft giggle. Am I romanticizing the situation? Of course. The reason this moment is so intriguing to me is that, to you, this moment could mean everything in the world. You could be recalling facts or linking ideas that they spoke about to how they act in other situations when you aren’t even really sure how the conversation is being received on the other end. You could be hopelessly melting within the presence of another human being while someone else could write off the conversation in a light, friendly matter. Unrequited feeling, a feeling I know all too well but also something I find that I don’t really understand at all. Without seeing another person react outwardly to what you perceive as obvious feeling, how could a person effect you in this way at all. What I have come to realize that no matter how pessimistic many people are in the way of their feelings, we are very optimistic in the sphere of human feeling. Though we may not believe that we are attractive, interesting or intelligent enough to deserve what we definitely do deserve, there always seems to be that voice in the back of our head that says “well maybe” or “what if?” This collision of ideas causes absolute chaos as you fight back and forth with your own mind, as if to fight for domination but it never seems to come. Why do we put ourselves through this process? Well in my opinion it relies on the truly romantic person down deep inside you and, your self-confidence trying to force itself out. Think of it as your inner poet. You want to believe in yourself so badly but you still don’t want to be seen as overconfident, so your brain fights the urge to act upon these feelings but your self confidence deep down also stops you from believing that it’s impossible. This causes problems such as jealousy, overthinking and overall nervousness. This may cause a strain on a friendship or hidden heartbreak but I also think it’s a beautiful process. You become stronger because of this feeling, as you watch the one you feel so strongly about from afar fall in love or fall way you realize the need for putting yourself first. You realize that the world isn’t going to reach out and grab you by the arms and tell you what you need to do. As you feel this pain, you better understand the idea of believing in yourself and acting on your feelings. It took years for me to actually put those ideas to use but after my first interaction with unrequited feeling, it becomes easier and easier for me to read people, understand my situation and get myself out before it became too much to handle. I’ve had my heart broken without making a sound for years and it’s made me understand how I should be treated. Though it was a tough and painful process, crying many tears and listening to sad music on repeat, I have realized that I need to grab my life by the reins and steer myself in the right direction otherwise what I need, won’t ever come.

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