This weekend, while my best friends and I were watching horribly sad but interesting movies on Netflix one scene stuck with me. When a girl wasn’t mentally aware, she hurt her mother…the only person who ever cared about her. This hurt my heart more than I could even fathom because my mom is so important to me. I couldn’t see the woman that gave me life, love, a roof, food and happiness making me so angry that I would ever hurt her.
I felt deep empathy, for the woman obviously didn’t know what was going on, an out of body experience forced her to perform actions that she never would. I thought about how it must feel to lose all control of your life. How hopeless and lost you must feel all of the time. The thought of hurting people was painful enough, but the inability to know that you have hurt them…..would feel even worse.
This feeling lead to a deep conversation with myself in the dark yet again. I thought about how many good things have happened to me this year, all the amazing people in my life and in general, how much I take for granted. I sit there and nitpick at my life until it drives me absolutely mad. I get angry with people. I avoid confrontation. I despise criticism or critiques. I wish that I could look like her, act like her, be better, smarter, more beautiful, talented and creative like them. I think this and talk myself down, I try to play it off as staying grounded but I know it’s more of a self confidence, self recognition problem.
I take a deep breath and think. I think of the beauty that surrounds me everyday. The music that fills my ears. The laughs that resonate through my body. The new information i’m introduced to every single day. The friends that are here for me and keep me smiling and reassure me that everything is going to be okay. The professors that day in and day out, help to prepare me for the future….as long as I put work into it as well.
As I sit there in the dark, I realize that yes, being sad is normal. It’s okay not to be okay but it’s okay TO be okay as well. I have to allow myself that happiness, that confidence and the pride so that I don’t become bitter and secluded. I need to spring forward and attack the world with a big smile an a ability to believe that everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad and the ugly and take criticism in stride.
Thanks Netflix movies, I needed this revelation.